Eyes Bigger Than My Stomach, A Lot Bigger

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Have you ever attempted a diet craze so ridiculous that you can form an instant bond with anyone else who's ever done it? Kind of like war buddies, but the dieting kind?

The other night at a party I spent a good 20 minutes swapping horror stories with a guy about The Master Cleanse, otherwise known as the cayenne-pepper-lemonade-diet. It's always amusing to meet someone else who has subjected themselves to this fad, and reminiscing about it gave us both a good laugh.  

I first heard about The Cleanse when I was living in Los Angeles (of course this story takes place in LA, right?) and the setting was again, a party. That night I offered a friend a drink and he turned me down, explaining that he was currently doing The Master Cleanse, and held up a thermos of what looked like rust-colored water. He explained that the cleanse consists of a set amount of days (anywhere from 3 to 20, depending on your stamina) wherein you subsist solely on a mixture made of water, lemon juice, B grade maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

I think I actually laughed in his face at this point, and spilled the drink I was holding.

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" I asked incredulously.

"You know," he explained with a laid-back, Southern California drawl, "to like clean out my system and give my insides a break."

Cayenne pepper and lemon juice gives your insides a break? I laughed all the way to the refreshment table where I helped myself to seconds of everything.

Cut to six months later, day one of my Master Cleanse. I'm only 6 hours in and I'm miserable. I think back to that day at the party and can't fathom how I came to be holding my very own thermos of rust-colored and spicy-flavored water. I chalk it up to some kind of collective LA brainwashing that occurs if you've live there long enough. 

The breakdown of the cleanse goes like this: 2 days of nothing but raw food. Then an average of five days consisting of solely the cayenne-pepper-lemonade mixture. In addition to this concoction it is advised to drink a warm quart of salt water each morning and to drink one cup of laxative tea each night, just to, you know, ensure that your insides are SERIOUSLY cleaned out.

The raw food days are fine and go by quickly, but days one and two of the cayenne-pepper-lemonade are dreadful. I'm not even hungry, instead I just feel like I have the flu. My head aches, my back is seizing up and I'm running hot and cold faster than a fickle toddler. 

I call my friend from the party, dramatically describing my symptoms into the phone.

"Perfect," he drawls, "sounds like you're really getting rid of some serious toxins."

I hang up and go back to bed.

On day three I wake up feeling better. The aches and shivers are gone and I feel light and pleasant. And hungry. I realize that I've never gone a day without eating, let alone more than probably four hours. Suddenly I can't stop thinking about food. I'm ravenous. I salivate over the cat food as I dish it out onto little plates for my two feline friends. I drink copious amounts of the cayenne-pepper-lemonade. I even kind of enjoy my morning salt water, although not the result of it 45 minutes later.

On day four I decide that it would be a good idea to organize the piles of cooking and food magazines that have somehow compiled themselves in every corner of my house. I sit on the couch for hours, tearing out recipes I might want to make one day, and organizing them into neat binders. Saliva pools around me as I tear off pages with photographs of coconut cakes and juicy Cajun-grilled chicken. I decide I'm going to cook all of it, all at once when I can eat again. I'm going make a feast. I dream about food all that night.

Day five I awake feeling peaceful. It's the last day of the cayenne-pepper-lemonade. Tomorrow I go back to raw food. I spend the morning puttering around the house, admiring my recipe binders and sipping on my warm salt water. I decide that in the afternoon I'll go to the local health food store and stock up on some fruits and vegetables for my upcoming days of raw food. 

At the store I wander the aisles slowly. I feel like I'm in heaven. I make sure not to miss one section, carefully admiring and examining every shelf. The items in the cart I'm pushing before me grow higher and higher. Everything I've ever wanted to eat goes in the cart. Cookies and bread, exotic fruit and chocolates. Frozen pizzas and ice cream, wedges of obscure cheese and little pots of jam to go with them. Cans of soup and cracked-pepper potato chips. I can't stop myself.

In the checkout line I smile blissfully at my goods, watching them move up the conveyor belt and fantasizing about all the meals I'm going to have. As the last item is scanned I pull out my wallet and look up at the cashier's screen to see my total.

$357.

My jaw drops.

Everything is almost bagged by now, but there is no way I can drop $357 on groceries.

"Um, excuse me," I say to the cashier, "I, um, I need to put some of this back."

The woman standing behind me in yoga pants waiting to buy a single smoothie immediately looks irritated. 

"I'm so sorry," I stammer to everyone around me as I attempt to shuffle through the bags, taking out item after item, and feeling woozy from my 5 days of not eating.

And that's where we'll end this story, dear readers: Me, at the grocery store with a line of annoyed customers standing behind me as I work to cut my grocery bill in half by scattering my bagged goods all across the checkout counter.

Lesson learned. I think.

What about you, Internet? Do you have a funny health craze story for me?

Share a funny story, video clip, picture etc in the comment section and you will be entered to win $150. You should also visit BlogHer.com special offers page for 11 other chances to win $150 each month & the chance to win $100 weekly from the Daily Laugh Hub!. If you share something really funny, we may even use it in The Daily Laugh!

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  So let's do this! Let's win some free money! Tell me a funny story!

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Comments

[Natalia D]

I rarely let my kids eat chips and always tell them that this is the unhealty junk food.Yesterday my son begged me for couple of chips from bag and I gave him...
He: Yes, mama, I know this is unhealty junk food! But taste is awesome, are you agree with me?

[Brandy]

i don't really have a funny story, except my kids usually eat the food in the cart while i shop. What I don't understand is why unhealthy food is so cheap, and healthy food is exspensive. With all the obesity stuff in, the world you figure it would be the other way around

[Isabele]

My daughter in bed: One thing I couldn't understand... I am only 4 and I must sleep alone in my bed.. And you Mom is 30 and you sleep with dad...

[Amy B]

My friend and I were in our early 20's. We wanted to shed some pounds so we went on a vegetable soup diet because that is what we were told by an older woman that would help us lose weight. The elderly woman (who was my friends aunt) said that you have to eat vegetable soup 3 times a day with only one healthy snack. We could have one apple or banana a day as a snack. My friend and I both liked Vegetable soup so we were game to do it. Well the first couple of days went by and I thought man, this isn't so hard. I called my friend and she said she was doing well also. Over a week and I am getting a little sick of vegetable soup but my friend claims she is still liking it..2 weeks go by and I am getting so sick of vegetable soup that I am really getting a sick feeling when I smell it. Not to mention the times I had to go to the bathroom because it seemed to go right through me. I am literary drooling over food in the stores. It is like I am just wanting to also throw everything in the cart as you did. Well I had enough of this diet plan and called my friend to tell her that I had got a pizza on the way home and I was eating a slice as I was talking to her. The pizza actually hurt my stomach but back to the story..She started laughing at me telling me that she and her aunt were just messing with me and that she can not believe I made it that long..I got upset and then decided to get even. I told her that as much as I went to the bathroom that I did lose about 15 pounds but I just couldn't keep doing it without cheating once every 2 weeks. I told her I was going to go back on it after a few days and redo it because it did make me lose ( I did lose like 3 pounds but I think that was the bathroom breaks lol). She hadn't seen me and she really believed me that I lost that much..She did it and lasted about 3 days and then called me to tell me she wasn't doing it anymore..I told her after about 2 months (because I knew i was going to see her) that I gained my weight back..I will never EVER listen to my friends about silly quick weight loss options again..

[Debra B]

I dont really have a funny healthy story but a funny story about my husband eating a sandwich the other day, he decided he wanted some tuna salad for lunch and usually prefers to eat his sandwiches on hamburger buns instead of regular bread, well he made his sandwich and ate it, then about an hour later I was cleaning up the kitchen and noticed the bag of hamb buns & they looked moldy, thinking they shouldnt have been moldy because the sale by date on the bag still had over a week to go and I thought wow they really molded fast must be the heat & humidity that did it, so anyway I show him the moldy buns and asked him "what did you make your sandwich with"? he looks at me and says, "with those buns" oh my god you mean I just ate mold? well I had to laugh because I guess he did, he immediately started feeling sick, (of course it was all in his head) but we laughed it off and he started saying things like "well how can I tell if the bun I ate was moldy,?" I said you cant, its long gone in your stomach now and I doubt that it will cause you any problems, besides I told him, now you've had your penicillin for the day, so now he says no more sandwiches on buns, he says I never want to see another hamburger bun again and we both checked the rest of our buns and have ever since before making any sandwiches again
thanks for the great giveaway

[Erin]

My sister is a health food fanatic! She eats organic as much as possible, and feeds my two year old niece healthy whole foods also. Whenever they go to the grocery store and my niece picks out chips or candy, my sister always responds with, "That's party food. You can only eat that at parties."
A few weeks ago we went to a graduation party for a friend of mine. As was expected, the food tables were filled with candy and junk food. My niece reached into a bowl of m&m's and started eating them by the handful. When my sister went to protest my niece exclaimed, "But momma, it's a party!"
Lesson learned. That sweet little girl gorged herself on as much junk food as she could!

[Bonnie P]

In my early thirties I started to gain weight I went to the library and got every diet book I could find. None of those diet's worked. I heard about fasting and I tried it. I went off my fasting with a pork chop and a coke. It must of burned a hole in my stomach lining. I had a pain in my stomach for years
bepoia(at)hotmail(dot)com

[Ria]

I recently went to do a colonic- having read up on all the health benefits of keeping your colon clean. If you've never done one- you have to insert a tube in your bottom and let water flow through your intestines to wash out all the years of gunk. So feeling a little apprehensive I asked the technician to please insert the tube. Now just as this woman is telling me, "don't worry I've been doing this for years", I interrupt her and say, "you might have done this 1 million times but you're inserting the tube in the wrong place!"
She turned bright red.
Needless to say, I got it in right myself and it really was a good experience- in hindsight. I felt very re-energized afterwards.

[Elizabeth Turner]

I was trying to eat healthily in England (pub food is yummy, but heavy...) and primly ordered a small salad.

They brought a plate of plain greens.

I asked for dressing.

They stared, and said "what...you mean, like mayonnaise?"

"Ummm, no...that's okay, nevermind."

I gave up.

Pub food really is yummy.

[Jonna]

Well my mother in law is a nutritionist. She worked for wic telling mothers and children how to eat healthy. She was on a mission in cambodia the entire time my husband and I were dating, we went to visit her I walked into her apartment and all I saw around the house was Oreo cookies and tons and tons of soda. It turns out the women is the most unhealthy eater ever, she lives off of Mcdonalds and took us to a special taco shop when she got home, and it turned out to be Taco Bell. I wanted to get advice from her about Nutrition... not so much anymore.

[Dana]

No funny stories but I did try Adkins and was hungry the entire time-I couldn't eat enough.

[John]

In Borders my son begging: Please buy me a book about inside of my nose!
Me: Why do you need such boook?
Son: I want to know why in such a small nose there is so much snot.
jdrombo at yahoo dot com

[Debra B]

tweeted here
http://twitter.com/deb126/status/25259447596

thanks again :)

[Ria]

tweet
http://twitter.com/rsmc1/status/25604566517
rmartinclarke at gmail dot com

[Ria]

twitter follower @rsmc1
rmartinclarke at gmail dot com

[Kerry]

When I was in highschool prepping for the prom, I was eating as little as would sustain me and going to the tanner each night. I fainted in the stand up booth and when I came to, I had my face pressed against the metal bars with my nose grazing the tanning lights!

[Kerry]

tweeted: http://twitter.com/KerryBishop/status/25633447578

[Milissa]

I went on the one cup diet. You can eat anything thing you want as long as you only eat a one cup of it. So when I went to a restaurant, I would pull out my measuring cup when my food was served. I actually measured out one cup of the meal and asked for the rest in a to-go box. The servers and restaurant patrons must have had a good laugh at my strange diet.

[Emily N.]

I once ate several meals consisting of turkey deli meat sandwiched between two pieces of turkey bacon because I was on a very high protein diet.

[Emily N.]

tweet
http://twitter.com/prizepuzzle/status/25746716387

[jennifer horn]

I try to go to the grocery store by myself as it is much easier than bringing 3 kids with me. One day I had no choice but to bring the 2 year old so I got a cart with the little car she could ride in, thinking it would pacify her. I stopped to look at dressing and looked to make sure she was still in the cart before I took off. She had grabbed about 4 jars of mayo and a couple jars of pickles and had them in her car. We've not gotten the car since.

[jennifer horn]

Follow on Twitter. @jen_r_horn

[jennifer horn]

tweeted. http://twitter.com/jen_r_horn/status/25987698598

[Jill H.]

In high school my best friend and I went on the ice cream diet where we ate nothing but ice cream for a week and believe it or not it worked, BUT we were only 16 then...duh!

[Jill H.]

Tweet

http://twitter.com/jillyrh/status/26045626272

Thanks so much