Well, I'm home in Chicago. I think it took all of yesterday to recover, especially seeing as my flight didn't get in until midnight on Sunday. But now it's Tuesday and I'm awake and mostly rested, ready to resume my life in Chicago and the last two months of my pregnancy.
Being in LA was wonderful. While being there made me miss California, it didn't make me miss Los Angeles. It took me at least two days to decide on this fact though. Going there is such a tumultuous rush of old memories, friends, sunshine and ocean air that for the first 24 hours I usually can't tell where in the world I want to be or even who I am anymore.
I stayed in Long Beach that first night with my friend Amber and walking through the quiet palm-lined neighborhoods with their flowering vines and comfortable bungalows left me feeling mournful and achy inside. But the next day, having lunch at Fred Segal cafe and taking in the gross opulance and false beauty that so much of LA lays claim to, simply made me feel nauseous and repentent.
Finally, by my third morning, I think I realized that I simply mourn for the magical time I spent in that city and for my dear friends whom I miss so much. I also miss the weather and the landscape and the openness of the culture, but those are things that can also be found elsewhere in California and the world.
On Saturday my friends threw me a baby shower / mother blessing, which was so lovely and meaningful. It was held at my old neighbor Rhonda's apartment in Venice, right below my old apartment on the canals. They cooked an amazing spread of quiches and s
alads, Liz made my favorite grits florentine and Amber even carved a swan out of a melon.We'd hired a henna artist to come and paint henna designs on my belly and she also did the hands and feet of almost all the girls there, which was really fun.
Lien made a hilarious quiz and Abby brought 18 birthday cards that the girls took turns writing advice in for the baby to read years down the road. At the end, Abby facilitated the mother blessing which involved each woman lighting a candle and bestowing me with a bead and a blessing, some advice and telling me why I will make a good mother. It was so beautiful and intense and emotional and I think we all cried. The beads will be strung together to make a bracelet or necklace that I can wear during labor and each woman is instructed to take her candle home and when they hear that I've gone into labor they will light them and send their blessings again.
It's really a beautiful ritual, and one that I'd been on the other side of more than once, helping to usher my friends into motherhood. Being the recipient of all these blessings and encouragement was definitely intense though. Just thinking about it in the week before I traveled to LA, I felt very emotional about the whole thing. Before I left on my trip I wrote a letter to my girlfriends so that I could read it at the end of the blessing. I think we all cried. Thank you again, girls.
Dear Ladies,
It's a chilly March morning in Chicago and I'm thinking about how, one week from today, I'll be sitting in a circle with all of you, in warm and sunny California.
This morning I'm thinking about how grateful I am for everything in my life. For my marriage and my swelling belly, for the life growing inside of me and for all the friendships that I hold so dear. I'm grateful for all the places I've gone and for all the ways I've grown through every experience I've ever had. I'm grateful for the family I've had and lost and the family I have gained again.
This morning I'm thinking about my mother and how much I wish she could be here today, sitting amongst all of you. She was truly the most beautiful woman I've ever known, both in body and spirit. She was funny and biting, daringly truthful and witty. She could give more of herself than most people I know and she was capable of loving someone for exactly who they were. She loved me more than she loved herself.
When she died her absence left a hole in my life so large I thought it would swallow me completely. I think I might have just disappeared altogether had it not been for the support of the women in my life who stepped forward just before I slipped out of grasp.
Those women are you. Throughout the years it is all of you who have given me strength and reflection, nourishment and protection. Even when you weren't always able to do the same for yourselves, you were somehow there for me. Each of you embody all that I could hope to be in a woman: bravery and resilience, beauty and honesty, warmth, compassion and forgiveness.
I'm thinking about how I couldn't be here in this place without all you. I'm thinking about how for the first time in 12 years there will be a mother in my life again, but this time it will be me. And I'm thinking about how much I'll need all of your support and encouragement as I go through this process, and just how grateful I am for all that all of you are.
Love,
Claire