I've been having such vivid dreams these last couple of weeks, sometimes two or three a night, some of them fierce and terrifying nightmares.
Last night I dreamed that I was at a doctor's appointment and had just had an ultrasound. The doctor left me alone in the room and I happened to see the top of my ultrasound chart and realized that, it said that the baby is a girl. I couldn't see it that well at first and, even though Greg and I have firmly decided not to find out, I couldn't help leaning forward to confirm that it really said GIRL, which it did.
In the dream the emotion I felt upon seeing that word -- GIRL -- was relief. Intense relief.
Telling of what my preference is, huh?
The truth is that I'd love to have one of each, a boy and a girl. Or even two boys and a girl or two girls and a boys or three girls. In any case, there just has to be a girl. And I hope that it happens with this pregnancy so that I don't have to wonder with each subsequent one; I can just have my girl and get it over with.
I've thought about this a lot -- why it is that I want a girl so badly -- and it's partly because the idea of having a boy makes me nervous because I fear I won't be able to relate to it as well. BUT, before you get your fingers poised to comment on that, let me say that I know that fear is irrelevant given the fact that I've never had a child before and I know, I just know, that no matter what I have it will be perfect and it will be exactly what I was meant to have, be it a boy or a girl or a child with disabilities, and I will love it and relate to it perfectly.
The conclusion I've really come to about why I want to have a girl so badly has to do with my mother. Simply that it's now been 12 years since I've had a mother-daughter relationship -- and I had such a good one -- that I deeply yearn to have that again. As complicated as those relationships can be, between a mother and her daughter, I want so badly to have that in my life again. My mother was such a vibrant, beautiful woman, and our relationship was so wonderfully complex and layered and influential. And her absence has left me to sort through so many things about what means to be a woman...that I would truly love to share a bond like that again, with a daughter.
That said, because I've gone and written about it, and because I want it so badly, it's sure to be a boy. And that said, if it is a boy, it will most likely prove to teach me even deeper lessons than a girl somehow would -- I think that sometimes what we fear the most is exactly what we need to propel us forward into new realms of life.
If you live in Chicago, be sure to look for the inaugural issue of The Printed Blog tomorrow morning, being passed out at el stops in Lincoln Park and Wicker Park.